The July That Made Me Leave
July 26, 2023 · Career
A sudden moment of clarity, a cracked window, and the realization that solving hard problems in the wrong direction wasn't enough.
I remember the moment clearly. The logs were green. My code had deployed. The infra was holding up. From a technical perspective, everything was working perfectly.
And yet — I felt absolutely nothing.
I sat there, watching the dashboard update like it meant something. But deep down, I wasn’t building anything I cared about. I was solving complex problems for goals I didn’t believe in.
Then came the thought that cracked everything open:
“I’m optimizing throughput for something I don’t believe in.”
That was it. That was the thought. It didn’t scream or shout. It just settled into my bones like gravity. And I knew I couldn’t keep going.
The Exit Wasn’t Dramatic
I didn’t storm out. I didn’t rage-quit. I just started writing again — writing proposals, sketching out research questions, thinking about what I wanted to teach, not just build.
I started choosing curiosity over velocity. Purpose over optimization. I started sitting with questions again.
One of them was: What if I could help students think, not just debug?
It wasn’t about abandoning software. It was about reclaiming the why.
Why Academia?
Because academia still rewards asking the right questions, not just fast answers. Because students remind you that learning is a sacred process. Because research lets you stretch — not just scale.
Because I missed the feeling of pursuing a question not for quarterly KPIs, but for truth. Even temporary, imperfect truth.
Because in the classroom, ambiguity isn’t a bug — it’s the point.
I wasn’t looking for an easier life. I was looking for a more honest one.
What I Found Since
- Peace in complexity — not because I solved it, but because I could sit with it.
- People who care — about teaching, about inquiry, about slow thinking.
- Projects that breathe — not everything has to be a sprint to demo day.
- Moments of meaning — when a student’s question surprises you, or your own assumptions collapse mid-research.
I learned that the impact I wanted didn’t require more velocity. It required space. For thought. For failure. For ideas that weren’t obviously monetizable.
And maybe most of all: I found meaning in the unfinished.
I didn’t leave tech. I just left the version of it that made me forget why I started.
And in July 2023, that was enough to change everything.
It wasn’t burnout. It was awakening. Not collapse — realignment.